In between all of this I have been calling agencies and gathering information. I don't want to go into all the details but the path we are on does not look promising. I have been praying for guidance, direction and peace. All of which is coming to us. Just not the way I had hoped. I have had the feeling lately that I need to let them go or I may go mad. I just can't go on like this.
Last night I had a dream about the children and they came to me smiling and saying goodbye. They said they were going to be fine. I am not one to put to much emphasis on my dreams, usually, but this one was so real and came on the heels of some bad news. My feelings are I need to let them go....even though I don't want to.
I was thrilled today when the three families from our agency who had court passed on the first try. However, my happiness was overshadowed some by my anger at our agency. These families had kids from Holy Savior as well. Why couldn't they just get us and the other family through court before they stopped working with this orphanage. I will never understand this. When I ask the question there are no clear answers given.
I may never have the answers I want.
I have been crying again today. This whole thing is just so so hard.
My friend Roxanne was one of the families who passed today. They will pick up their son Eric in 3 short weeks. We are both so happy. However, the happiness is marred a little by the fact that Eric's best buddy, our Ayele, will not be coming home with him. One child has won the lottery and gets to come home to his forever family. The other does not.
Again, I just don't understand.
Goodbye sweet children. I am so sorry I will never get to be your mommy. I had so many hugs stored up for you. Please know I will be praying for you every single day for the rest of my life. You are both so beautiful, I know in my heart, you will have a forever family some day.