Thursday, July 30, 2009
I Need To Let Them Go
Hi, I am still here. We took off to the mountains for a few days to celebrate my babies 6th birthday. I can't believe she is 6! We got back Monday night and went to the beach all day Tuesday. Yesterday I tried to dig out from the mess of the suitcases, etc.

In between all of this I have been calling agencies and gathering information. I don't want to go into all the details but the path we are on does not look promising. I have been praying for guidance, direction and peace. All of which is coming to us. Just not the way I had hoped. I have had the feeling lately that I need to let them go or I may go mad. I just can't go on like this.

Last night I had a dream about the children and they came to me smiling and saying goodbye. They said they were going to be fine. I am not one to put to much emphasis on my dreams, usually, but this one was so real and came on the heels of some bad news. My feelings are I need to let them go....even though I don't want to.

I was thrilled today when the three families from our agency who had court passed on the first try. However, my happiness was overshadowed some by my anger at our agency. These families had kids from Holy Savior as well. Why couldn't they just get us and the other family through court before they stopped working with this orphanage. I will never understand this. When I ask the question there are no clear answers given.

I may never have the answers I want.

I have been crying again today. This whole thing is just so so hard.

My friend Roxanne was one of the families who passed today. They will pick up their son Eric in 3 short weeks. We are both so happy. However, the happiness is marred a little by the fact that Eric's best buddy, our Ayele, will not be coming home with him. One child has won the lottery and gets to come home to his forever family. The other does not.

Again, I just don't understand.

Goodbye sweet children. I am so sorry I will never get to be your mommy. I had so many hugs stored up for you. Please know I will be praying for you every single day for the rest of my life. You are both so beautiful, I know in my heart, you will have a forever family some day.

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  posted at 10:50 AM  

At 11:35 AM, Blogger The Gang's Momma said...

Oh dear Julie, I'm so sad. I'm so sorry that the journey has come to this painful twist in the road. It's so hard to understand, isn't it? I've shared more details of our story with you before, but I want to encourage you again.

He knows the end from the beginning. He has it all in His hands. He will take your tears and your prayers over those sweet kids and use them as a covering. They are powerful words, carrying the authority of His kingdom and they will NOT return void. They will accomplish HIS will in thier lives. I'm just sad that it won't be in your home. But make no mistake, those prayers and tears do count for something in HIS economy.

Hugs to you my friend.

At 11:59 AM, Blogger missy said...


So sorry. I can't imagine how you feel, but I hope you take comfort that God will be watching over them everyday and every night for as long as they're on this earth.

At 3:26 PM, Blogger Gretchen Magruder said...

This is so heartbreaking. I can't imagine the loss. I trust in the Sovereign Lord and that he'll be loving and caring for those children regardless of adoption politics.

At 5:41 PM, Blogger Brenda said...

Aye Julie it's so awful, isn't it? They are in God's hands and He alone knows the plan He has for them. And we know it will work together for good. But boy does it hurt not knowing HOW that will all work.
God was not taken by surprise by any of this. He knew. He knows. And probably has great things in store both for these children AND your family. Keep trusting Him.

At 9:13 PM, Anonymous Roxanne said...

Oh Julie --- I am here in tears reading your post!!! You know how I feel ..... We will forever be connected through this journey! Those two precious children are in my prayers, along with you and your family. We love you all !
Hugs my dear friend,

At 10:56 PM, Blogger Missy said...

I am SO sorry. I can't even imagine. I will continue to pray for you and those precious kids.

At 8:00 AM, Blogger Christine said...

Hi Julie,

Sorry how things have turned out this far. May God bring you peace in your decision and give you stength to continue the journey to your children.

At 5:09 PM, Blogger Kristin said...

OH, Julie, I am so very sorry. I can't believe this has all happened. And you are still happy for your friends . . . I hope that God finds a way for you to adopt. I can't imagine how painful it's all been; I pray many blessings for you and yours.

At 5:28 PM, Blogger Annie said...

I sit here all teary-eyed after reading this. I cannot imagine your pain. ((((HUGS)))))))

At 2:41 PM, Blogger Kimmie said...

Oh Julie;

I had hoped you would have gotten some head way. Praying for you, as I can only imagine your hurting heart and your frustration.

mama to 7
one homemade and 6 adopted


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I am a spontaneous, out going, daughter of the King, who is married to a wonderful guy who is a quiet, shy, non-spontaneous, scientist who also loves the Lord. Truly a match made in heaven! We fight and argue, love and laugh, every single day. I am passionate about orphan care and love to tell our story to anyone who will listen. This blog is dedicated to that journey.

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