In the hopes of "keeping it real" I am going to make a confession here. When Ashley called me last Thursday with our referral I had a moment of pause. I thought I would be so happy, and I was, but it was tinged with a little sadness. I almost felt like I was betraying the children from our first referral if I embraced these children into my heart. Does that make sense at all?
A part of my heart will always belong to Ayele and Kasanesh. At times it seems strange that these children, who I have never actually met, so completely stole our hearts. It wasn't just my heart or Dave's heart but everyone in our extended family as well. I am just now realizing how crushing the loss of them truly was.
When Ashley called me I had no idea she had a new referral for us. She started out by asking me how I was feeling and if things were getting better regarding our disappointment (to put it mildly) at losing our first referral. I told her we had excepted it and were anxiously awaiting news of a new referral. Much to my surprise she then states that that was one of the reasons she was calling. She had a little boy who was almost seven and his sister who was almost 9 months old that she would like to offer us the referral for. She said there were no other families on the waiting list (over 100) who were approved for a child over the age of six. Were we interested? My immediate response was YES! I was so excited and immediately called Dave who came home so we could look at their pictures and discuss what had happened before I left for four days with our oldest son, Zach.
We both thought the children were beautiful and fell in love with their pictures. However, I must admit to a bit of apprehension about having a baby again. I think we had talked ourselves into the fact that we were going to adopt older children. Once we upped our request to a child up to age 8 years we both felt sure we would receive the referral for an older child or sibling group. However, as it seems to happen much in my life, God had other plans.
You see, I really felt like he orchestrated this weekend away with my son. I was really needing a break and felt like I needed to get away for a few days to catch my breath. When the referral came and I was having these doubts, this trip allowed me the time to process through everything. To spend time alone with Him. To sit quietly and listen.
Do you want to know what he said to me? Basically this. Julie, you have been praying that I would bring you the children that were meant for YOUR family. I have done this. I have been listening to you. At times you wish for an older son, one who could be friends with Garrett. The next minute you are looking at the little girl clothes on the racks at the department store and dreaming of having a little girl to hold in your arms again. I know your heart and I have given you these children. The answer to the desires of your heart. I have heard your prayers. This is my answer.
Over and over again I heard these statements in my head this weekend while we were away. I slowly began to believe them. I am thrilled to tell you that as I sit here today I have no doubts these are OUR children.
I had to get over the guilt of feeling like I was replacing one set of children with another. That will never happen. That's part of what God showed me this weekend.
So, as I stare into the beautiful big eyes of my newest daughter and her handsome big brother, I am dreaming of buying a few new bows and some cute baby clothes as well as wondering what my newest son is like. Is he quite or more extroverted? Does he like to play sports and if so which one? I want to hold them both close and help them heal from the early loses they have suffered in their lives. I want them home with us. Thankfully the courts are due to open again sometime in the next few days. We are obviously praying for a speedy court date. I would love to have them home for Christmas.
Thanks again for all your support. We have the best friends and family in the whole wide world!!
Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:3,4