Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Despair
It is the middle of the night and I am up with Paige because something is bothering her. I am feeling frustrated because I don't know what it is and she can't communicate to me what she wants to say.

My daughter is 4 but she has the language skills of a 2 year old. Maybe younger.

I have shared before about Paige's speech delays but recently we are realizing that perhaps it is just not her speech but something else developmentally going on.

All of our children were late to meet their milestones. Because of this we were never overly worried about Paige's delays. Her sister didn't sit up until she was 10 months old and didn't walk until 17 months. Paige followed along at this same pace.

As Paige got older and still wasn't talking like she should we still didn't become overly concerned. Our oldest son never babbled and rarely uttered a word. Around the time of his third birthday he started talking in full sentences. He went from one extreme to the other in what felt like an overnight experience.

As you can see our kids have seemed to ignore any books and charts about what is normal. They definitely beat to their own drummer.

However, now that Paige is four I am having to face the reality that there may be something more serious going on.

Tonight as I am tired and feeling frustrated that I can't communicate with her the tears are streaming down. The tears I needed to shed to mourn the fact that my precious little girl may not be "normal". What ever that exactly means.

I love this little girl so much and I could not imagine life without her. She brings such joy and laughter to our family. She Blesses us beyond measure.

Yet tonight I feel the weight of her special needs coming crashing down upon me. Even my husband does not truly understand how I feel. I feel alone in my sadness and worry. Despair filling my heart.

We live next door to a family that has a little girl 2 weeks older than Paige. I watched them playing today and the difference in their emotional and physical abilities was overwhelmingly obvious.

Tonight I am having my little pity party. I need to do that. Allow myself to mourn and feel sorrow for the little girl that she should be but for some reason is unable to become.

We are sitting on the couch together watching her favorite Sponge Bob episode. I am all cried out and ready to face tomorrow.

In the weeks ahead we have appointments with Neurologists, Speech Therapists, Occupational Therapists, Geneticists, and a Developmentally Delayed Pediatric Specialist all to see if we can figure out what is going on with my sweet girl.

We received the first report from the special needs preschool she is attending and they are requesting we allow them to do some more involved testing. She is not making the progress they had hoped for.

I have driven myself crazy searching the Internet trying to figure out a diagnosis. She does not fit neatly into one box. We have already been told this before.

Adding to my despair is a comment made this weekend by a family member regarding our plans to adopt. This person made it clear they believed we should not be adopting another child when we have our hands full with Paige. She deserves all of our attention and financial resources.

I know without a doubt that God wants us to adopt a child. I know our family is not complete. Their is someone missing from our table. However, the words stung perhaps because they were implying I could not give to Paige what she needs if I had another to love and nurture also. Does this mean I should give Paige away because she is taking to much time away from her brothers and sister? I think not.

So tonight I am holding close to my faith knowing that God has a plan and I am to trust him in all things. That is what I intend to do.


But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.

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  posted at 1:16 AM  
  13 comments



13 Comments:
At 4:18 AM, Blogger Kelli said...

I have no answers, sweet friend so I will just say I'm praying for Paige. and her mommy.

 
At 5:49 AM, Blogger The Preacher's Wife said...

please know I will pray for your family, Julie.

I can't imagine the fear and worry but I know a God who can. I pray you experience a measure of grace and peace that defies explanation.

Please keep us posted...

much love,

Lisa

 
At 6:06 AM, Blogger Lauren@Baseballs&Bows said...

I will pray for all of you, especially as you search for a diagnosis. Keep us posted!

 
At 7:25 AM, Blogger missy said...

Oh Julie, my heart is going out to you right now. I will be praying that all the doctors and therapists will have wisdom and discernment while working with Paige, and that you all will find the answers you need.

As for the opinions of your family members, well, as far as I'm concerned (and I know you already know this...I'm just trying to build up what you already know) you answer only to God and to your husband. If they are telling you one thing you have no choice but to ignore the criticism. No one can understand your calling but you. GOD HAS A PLAN. Perhaps this new child will be such a help to Paige, a source of healing and growth for her. Only God knows, all you can do is obey Him.

Have peace today...He has it all under control.

 
At 7:49 AM, Blogger Heather said...

Julie, God has given you everything you have at exactly the right time He wanted you to have them in exactly the way He wants them to be. I am praying for you. I can't imagine how you are feeling right now but just know that God won't give you anything He knows you can't handle. It may be hard...really hard but He knows you can do it. Be strong and rest in Him. Let your heavenly father give you the strength you need.

 
At 8:23 AM, Blogger Karen said...

Julie, you're in my prayers. God bless your tender momma heart, and your little girl. As for the new baby, only God knows what a new child will mean to your family. Let him decide.

 
At 10:55 AM, Blogger Heidi @ GGIP said...

Paige is lucky to have such a loving mama. Much luck in all your trials.

 
At 3:12 PM, Blogger LISA said...

Julie, Big prayers for you and Paige.

 
At 5:54 PM, Blogger Rochelle said...

God does have a plan for Paige. My daughter hit all the "normal" milestones late. I remember when she was way past the stage of talking and I was at the store with mom and some little kid much younger than Keilani said, "Hello!" My mom said, do you ever notice that Keilani doesn't talk? I was like.... YES!! I KNOW!! I just never wanted to say it out loud. She does okay, but is emotionally behind, and is a part of her shyness. But she is now doing really well, and people just think she is really quiet, I know she is needing to feel comfortable to try to find her place. Keilani has found her comfort zone in music. That is why when she sang in chapel (posted on my blog) the other day it menat more to me than most people recognized. My baby found her voice. And it was loud, and clear. Paige will find her comfort zone, in His time.

 
At 10:06 PM, Blogger Brenda said...

It's a slow, dawning realization, isn't it? We are facing some issues with our youngest who is 4 also. Different than the issues you face, but I still think I can relate.

 
At 6:46 AM, Anonymous Summer said...

I'm so sorry Julie. I know where you're coming from with Paige. I think I've mentioned before that my 4 year old son also has the language skills of a 2 year old. He has become more understandable and better able to communicate through speech therapy but we also think there may be something more than speech delays going on. We have an appointment with a neurologist the week after Thanksgiving. Hopefully we'll get some answers.

 
At 6:47 PM, Blogger Kristin said...

I know the last thing you need is a stranger's opinion. But, have you considered sign language? This really helped bridge the gap when ours couldn't communicate.

 
At 7:50 AM, Blogger Kristin said...

Oh, Julie, my mother's heart feels for you. I hope its just a normal delay, maybe longer because she is the youngest? I know that my older children are so quick to do for the youngers that they often don't find the need to say much.

Still, you are wise to listen to your heart and investigate. I hope you find good help and answers.

 

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I am a spontaneous, out going, daughter of the King, who is married to a wonderful guy who is a quiet, shy, non-spontaneous, scientist who also loves the Lord. Truly a match made in heaven! We fight and argue, love and laugh, every single day. I am passionate about orphan care and love to tell our story to anyone who will listen. This blog is dedicated to that journey.

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